Certified sane pilots

Weird but true. We hear lots of weird stuff on the line. But when you hear it often enough, or better yet...when you witness it, then it becomes more than urban airline legend. We were trading stories with some charter crew the other night, and I had to share these little fun facts.

Years ago, Captain Rudy was known for many things... dressing to kill in three-piece suits on layovers (with matching chapeau...you know where I'm going with this!). He was a very engaging man, and always had "plans" for his layovers. BIG plans! The suits varied in colors from purple to baby-blue. Rumor..these were his off duty "work clothes". Nothing confirmed on this, ever. In spite of his extracurricular activities, apparently Capt. Rudy was pretty religious. We all found this out after his "incident". Rumors had been "floating" around that Capt. Rudy didn't like to fly through clouds. Not that he was afraid to fly on instruments, but rather that he feared hurting the "angels". Now the factual part of the story. One day during a routine takeoff, Capt. Rudy did a high-speed abort, that ended in an overrun incursion. His reason for the abort.... ANGELS! "There were angels on the runway, and that was his reason for the high-speed rejected take-off! No kidding. Then it was off to "happy camp" for Capt. Rudy, to prove that he was still sane.

I was flying with another Captain, a guy I'd flown with many times, when I made the comment that Rudy was one of only two "certified 'sane' " pilots at my airline. He asked "who was the other one"? I told him that it was Brian/Beth. He then told me that there were three certified 'sane' pilots. So I asked him who the other one was. It was him. Now he was a bit edgy, but I didn't find him in the same league as Rudy or Brian/Beth. I guess "happy camp" is busier than I knew. I also confirmed this when I was the last Captain to fly with a certain First Officer. He definitely needed a trip to happy camp. I knew this after one leg. He needed a break, and got one.

Now I know what you're about to ask.... who the hell is Brian/Beth? You've already figured it out, but I'll fill in a few fun facts. Here's a guy that I always knew as 'Weird Brian'. He was a cross between Howdy Doody and some homeless guy. It seems he rarely had a 'professional' hair cut, wore double knit slacks instead of the issue uniform pants, and unshined black cowboy boots. His hat was one size too small, and rested on the crown of his head, letting his unkempt red locks curl around the hat band. As weird as his 'normal' appearance may be, one day I found him to be unusually unusual. While waiting for my outbound aircraft to arrive, I see Brian come up from the jetway. Now I'm looking at him, just thinking, "Oh, there's weird Brian". But then.....holy shit! Weird Brian has TITS! He has a full c-cup in an incredible girlie bra! And I have now confirmed that I am going to hell, because I am staring at Brian's breasts! Can't look away. Must....look....away....but just....can't. Kind of like that horrible car wreck where you know that there has been a fatality. You don't want to see it, but can't look away.

Later I find out that Brian is one of the 'certified sane' pilots, who ends up getting a gender reassignment. He remained married for quite some time, which I attributed to the rumor (that I started) that when he had his penisectomy, his wife had an addadicktomy, so everything worked out. It was only a bad joke, but sometimes you just can't make this stuff up! From this I came to my own unscientific conclusion that one out of every 5000 airline pilots is trans-gendered. Now, at the time, Continental also had 5000 pilots and had one, and American and United both had two, and they both had around 10,000 pilots. So I figured that this was the industry standard. It's good to have standards.

Now I don't want anyone to freak out on this. As a profession, we are still far more scrutinized than any other. Those pilots were hired way before me, and I've been here 20 years. All three of those Captains are now retired, and the First Officer...well, he's doing much better. Thanks for asking.

This is my second installment. Fear not, all is well.

To add your stories, email me through my site at pilotballcaps.com. Blue skies and fair winds.

Spud